Boy Wonder: Professional Musician 143

Day 142 - July 31st 2009

I keep forgetting July has 31 Days.

As I lay here with my leg elevated, it gives me some time to reflect. I’ve used my injury as an opportunity to take a breather from all the work I’ve been doing adjusting to the new role that I’ve been playing.

Musically I’m doing well, we’ve been playing big shows and drawing good crowds. The last record I put out was probably my best work. Bang Camaro allowed me the chance to experience the touring aspect of this business. Philly Rising is strong, despite my absence and almost two months of being gone this summer. The Lickety Split shows on Wednesday Nights have gone better than I could have ever expected. All good things.

Here’s what keeps me awake at night.

I liken my pursuit of musical success to pushing a boulder up a hill. You get up the hill and realize that it’s the bottom of a mountain and for some reason the boulder gets bigger and harder to push. I’m on the small hill and I wanna climb the mountain. I want to get to the next level and I have no idea how to do it. I’m flying blind, I’ve never really had any guidance, and I feel like I could be 1,000 miles in the wrong direction. It teaches one to trust oneself and that’s a good thing, but to have someone that gets it, someone who believes say, “I think you should go left” would be a weight off my shoulders, provided they aren’t fleecing me.

The things that I do outside of my own project, booking the shows (just came up on three years) hosting the open mic (In my Second Year) have gone well and my fellow musicians look at me like Santa Claus. It’s taken a long time for me to learn that sometimes people want to get close solely because I might be able to do something to help them move forward. Of course I’ve met genuine people amongst the vultures, but it’s getting harder and harder to tell, they’re getting better at hiding it. Sometimes people are gonna bring negativity in your life for no good reason simply because they think tearing you down is going to build them up.

I wonder if people are really paying attention, if they’re listening to me, if my music has ever resonated with anyone that’s ever heard it. I wonder what I can do in the future to make that kind of thing happen. 9 or 10 years since I’ve been doin this and sometimes I get that twinge, that little voice in my head that says “you’re no good” I believe otherwise but I still wrestle with that everyday At the end of the day I want people to respect what I do, it’s important to me that I host the open mic and book the shows well. But first and foremost I’m a musician and ultimately want people to get that. I want to be able to shift the focus more to that

I definitely need to refocus my energies and making sure that I’m doing the things that I need to be doing. Focusing on myself as much as reasonably possible. Beavising my ankle may have been a good thing. I had time to get all of this crap out into word form. I've been carrying it around with me for quite some time. I can start letting it go.

We’re at The Plateau Jam tomorrow. Two days on the Farm playin music, eatin food, and drinkin margaritas, I’d hate to go there with this baggage.